Bonjour

Read any of the guide books. They say something like this:

"The French are polite. You, as an American, are not. When you go into a French shop, say in your very nicest voice, 'Bonjour.' Smile. This is a simple way to advance the troubled Franco-American relations. The other is to impeach Bush."

So I am on my best American behavior. I enter the charming Paris shop. I look at the proprietress. I smile. And I completely forget to say, "bonjour," because it is not a habit. It just slips my mind. But somewhere before I leave the shop, it does occur to me. "Ohmygod. I forgot to say 'bonjour.'" So, to make sure I have been polite, as I leave the shop I say in my best sing-songy fake French, 'Bonjour, madame," and leave knowing that I have done the right thing. I have aided wolrd peace. I am very proud.

Yesterday, I went into a L'Occitaine in my local shopping mall. This is the store with delicious, sweet-smelling facial products from Provence. The woman who waits on me is French. She is gorgeous. Crinkly blond hair (not her original color, but she must have paid a pretty penny because the highlights are fabulous). Thin. Stylish. No scarf, but it is hot out. So I chat. She chats. Somehow it comes up that I don't speak French. I say something like, "I only know sassy things, like 'Slow down or die,' and 'Your mother is Belgian.'

This strange look shoots across her face. It looks like she is having a miniscule stroke. Then it disappears.

"My father was Italian, my mother was Belgian, and I am from Provence," she says. She is standing very straight. So I have offened her. I said something sassy about the Belgians. I don't even know any Belgians. I was in Belgium once, but I swear I did not meet her mother.

So I inch towards the door, smiling and sweating, and then aha! I remember! Be polite!

"Bonjour," I say as I walk out the door.

"No, madame," she says with a smile. "Bonjour is for ze coming in. Au revoir is for ze going out."

And I am mortified. I went all over Paris trying to be polite but was simply just gauche.

Merde.